Ship Happens! Funnels of Fun Our selection of the best of nautical and cruise humour. Cruise Passengers' Top Ten One (Cruise) Liners Short But Sweet Captain of Eternal Youth Ferry Story Penny Pincher Grizzly Quiz Magician and the Parrot All Aboard Burial At Sea Captain Red Shirt All You Can Eat Blondie Takes A Cruise Canada Calling... The Black Box Royal Navy versus Royal Marines Hooky the Pirate Castaway Computer Consultant "Top Ten" Silly Questions asked by Cruise Ship Passengers: Do these stairs go up or down? How far are we above sea level? Will this elevator take me to the front of the ship? Does the crew sleep on board? Does the ship generate it's own electricity? To the ship's photographers: If the photos aren't marked, how do we know which ones are ours? Is the water in the toilet fresh water or seawater? What do you do with the ice carvings after they've melted? Is there music in the disco? What time is the midnight buffet? One (Cruise) Liners Q. Where does a ship go when it's sick? A. To the dock. Q. The Prime Minister is on a sinking cruise ship. Who gets saved? A. The nation. Q. What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? A. About half-way. Q. Why is a sailor like the letter "D"? A. Because he follows the C. Q. What happened to the crew when the red boat and the blue boat collided? A. They were marooned! Q. Did you hear about the ship with a cargo of yo-yos? A. It sank 1,442 times Last year I took my wife on a world cruise.This year she wants to go somewhere else! I joined the Navy to see the world - and spent two years in a submarine A girl at the pool was wearing a swimsuitthat looked like it hadn't been delivered yet! The coffee they serve on board is a special blend - of yesterday's and today's. The ship's comedian had them rolling in the aisles - towards the exits. Placard outside the ship's theatre: "Terrific show - miss it if you can!" We visited a beach on St Thomas that was so exclusive, even the tide couldn't get in! Short But Sweet Hand-written sign on bridge of ship: Absolutely no sailing past nudist beach 9.7 miles SSW on a true course of 177 degrees. Fisherman 1: I was just down at the harbour and saw two people sitting in a little boat hitting each other with the oars. It was the strangest sight. Fisherman 2: Yes, it's a pity. You see that sort of thing more and more nowadays - rowed rage. From a cruise ship, all the passengers could see a bearded man on a small island who was shouting and desperately waving his hands at them. Who is it? a passenger asked the captain. The captain replied, I really have no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts. On our ship's excursion to the pyramids we met some traders with camels. Bedouins? Bedouins, goodouins, all sorts really. Two young sailors went to sea for the first time and as they left port and saw the wide expanse of the ocean before them, one said to the other: Did you ever see so much water in your whole life? The other sailor replied, No, and we're only looking at the top of it! The cruise director fell down the stairs leading to the promenade deck. The ship's doctor saw him fall and rushed to help. Are you all right? Did you miss a step? asked the doctor. The cruise director replied, No, I'm pretty sure I hit them all! A toddler slipped and fell overboard from a cruise liner. A man hurled himself over the rail and saved the child from drowning.Back on board, the Captain thanked the hero profusely, saying You have saved a life today - a truly heroic deed. Is there anything we can do for you to thank you? The man replied, You can find out who pushed me! As the storm raged, the Captain realised that his ship was sinking fast. He called out Does anyone here know how to pray? One man stepped forward. Aye, Captain, I know how to pray. Good said the Captain, you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short. Did you hear the one about the cargo ship full of whisky which ran aground off the south coast?Yes, apparently no tern was left unstoned in the aftermath. Captain of Eternal Youth A tourist watched from the harbourside as a grizzled old fishing boat captain skilfully docked his boat. Impressed that an elderly man could still be doing such a tough job, the tourist decided to wait until the Captain came ashore to have a word with him. When he did, the tourist complimented him on his strength and agility and asked "Captain, what's your secret to leading such a long and productive life?" "Well", he replied, "I would have to say that it's because I smoke five packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whiskey each week, eat fry-ups and never exercise." "That's amazing," said the tourist, "exactly how old are you?" The Captain answered, "Thirty-one." Ferry Story Roger enjoyed living on the Isle of Wight, but he wasn't overly enthusiastic about taking the ferry back and forth from the mainland. If he missed the last one of the evening, he'd have to spend the wee hours wandering the streets or bunk up with a mate. Late one night, Roger arrived at the dockside and spotted the ferry no more than twelve feet away from the dock. Deciding that he didn't want to wait for the next one, or worse yet until the morning, he made a running leap and landed on the ferry's deck on his hands and knees. As he got up, he announced proudly to another passenger "I made it!" "You certainly did," the other passenger replied, "but you should have waited a minute or two. We're about to dock." Penny Pincher Penny was a hard-working, conscientious girl who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on a world cruise. So she scrimped and saved and saved until finally, one day she could afford to go on her world cruise. She booked a first-class suite and her cruise started off in the grandest fashion, with dancing and parties until late every night. But, as Penny was a cautious girl, she never drank and simply danced the night away. One night, after being at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her suite along the promenade deck when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, just at that moment, the ship suddenly rolled to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. The alarm was immediately raised and after about five minutes Penny was hauled from the sea. Alas, the ship's crew realised it was too late for poor Penny - she was dead. In those days, it was usual procedure to perform burials at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated and kept in a jar on her parents' fireplace mantelpiece. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned. Grizzly Quiz A grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young cadet. "What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?" "I'd throw out an anchor, sir." "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "I'd throw out another anchor, sir." "But what if a third storm sprang up forward?" "I'd throw out another anchor, captain." "Just a minute, son. Where are you getting all these anchors?" "From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir." Magician and the Parrot A famed magician was performing on a cruise ship and every night he thrilled his audiences. One night, while he was performing the highlight of his show, a parrot walked onstage and squawked, "It's in his sleeve!". The magician chased the bird away. The next night, the magician was again performing the highlight of his show when the parrot walked onstage and cawed "It's in his pocket!" The next night, as he was performing the very same trick, the magician saw the parrot in the audience and cringed. But before the parrot could ruin the trick yet again, the ship ran aground and sunk. The magician was lucky enough to find a deck chair to hang on to. The parrot clung to the other end. They floated in the ocean, awaiting rescue, for three full days, glaring at each other but neither saying a word, when suddenly the parrot said, "I give up, what did you do with the ship?" All Aboard! A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon the ship had left port and was steaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency had been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not at all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, 'My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules of the sea - make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way." Burial At Sea An elderly fisherman was on his deathbed and summoned his three sons to his bedside. "Well, sons, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local paper's front page read, "Local fishermen were shocked today when their nets brought in Ross Trevenna's body in a coffin, three shovels and the bodies of his three sons." Captain Red Shirt A ship's captain always asked for his red shirt when he sighted a pirate vessel, and he always won in battle against them. His first mate asked him why he always wore the red shirt and the captain replied, "Because if I get wounded, the ship's company won't see the blood and you'll keep on fighting." The next day a whole fleet of pirate ships approached, poised to attack, and the first mate said, "Give me my brown trousers!" All You Can Eat Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on board. A little while later, they came upon another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsized the ship and ate everything. Along came another ship which was (surprise!) also hauling potatoes and Bob yet again capsized it and ate everything on board. Finally, his buddy Bill the sea monster, asked him "Why do you keep tipping over these ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start - everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship." Blondie Takes A Cruise A blonde student was looking at a bulletin board and saw a piece of paper that said "Cruise only £5.00". She made a note of the details, went to the address listed on the notice, walked into the reception area and asked the secretary about the cruise offer. The secretary nodded and asked if she had the £5.00. The blonde pulled a fiver out of her handbag and handed it to the secretary, who then looked over to a burly guy reading a newspaper and gave him the nod. He stood up and knocked the blonde over the head, rendering her unconscious. When the blonde woke up, she found herself tied to a log floating down a river. She began to think this had not been such a good idea when she saw one of her friends (also blonde) tied to a log floating along right next to her, and asked "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this cruise?" The other blonde replied, "They didn't serve anything last year." Canada Calling..... The following is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a Royal Navy ship and the Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland: Canada: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Royal Navy: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision. Canada: Negative, you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. Royal Navy: This is the Captain of a Royal Navy ship. I say again, divert your course. Canada: No, I say again, you must divert your course. Royal Navy: This is HMS **k R***l of Her Majesty's fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees to the north. I say again, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canada: This is a lighthouse. Your call. The Black Box Once upon a time, there was a captain of a cruise ship, and once a day, at the same time every day, he would lock himself in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this every day, but told no one what was inside the box. Then, one day he died and in his will he gave the crew permission to open the box. They opened it, and found a piece of paper: "Starboard is right, port is left." Royal Navy versus Royal Marines A ship loaded with Royal Marines was sailing along one day when it came upon an island where a Royal Navy sailor was lounging under a tree. The sailor saw the ship and began taunting the Marines, saying that he could "take them all on one-handed!" The Marine captain was angry at this, and sent one of his fittest men over to teach the sailor a lesson. In front of all his shipmates, the sailor quickly bested the Marine, knocking him out cold. He then looked over at the rest of the Marines, and yelled that he could take them all on. The Marine captain, now really steamed, sent over twenty of his best men to take care of the sailor. The sailor saw them coming and quickly jumped over the other side of a hill with the Marines in hot pursuit. A loud ruckus ensued and one Marine, badly beaten, came back over the hill and gasped, "Sir, it's a trap - there are TWO of them!" Hooky the Pirate A sailor and a pirate walked into a bar. They sat down next to each other, got to talking and the conversation soon turned to their sea adventures. The sailor told of his days fighting wars with the Navy, and the pirate told of his exploits plundering ships. The sailor noticed that the pirate had an eye patch, a hook and a peg leg and asked "How did you get the peg leg?" The pirate replied, "Once, when I was thrown off a ship, I floated in the sea for three days until my crewmates rescued me, and while I was in the water, my leg was bitten off by a shark." The sailor, impressed, said "Holy Neptune! That's very exciting, but what about the hook?" The pirate smiled proudly, buffing up the hook a bit. "When I was sword fighting with another pirate over buried treasure, he took my hand right off." The sailor's eyes were wide with wonder at what a buccaneer this pirate was, and asked, "How did you get the eye patch?" "Well," said the pirate, shifting uncomfortably in his seat and glancing away "a seagull dropped a bomb in my eye." The sailor looked puzzled: "You lost an eye from gull droppings?" The pirate sighed and shook his head. "It was my first day with the hook." Castaway Computer Consultant An ambitious IT consultant finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, .at least for awhile. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost in a matter of minutes. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Accustomed to four-star hotels, this chap had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple." replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from branches, I wove the bottom from palms, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink? "No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continuing amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing!" he mused, "what next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean...?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
"Top Ten" Silly Questions asked by Cruise Ship Passengers: Do these stairs go up or down? How far are we above sea level? Will this elevator take me to the front of the ship? Does the crew sleep on board? Does the ship generate it's own electricity? To the ship's photographers: If the photos aren't marked, how do we know which ones are ours? Is the water in the toilet fresh water or seawater? What do you do with the ice carvings after they've melted? Is there music in the disco? What time is the midnight buffet? One (Cruise) Liners Q. Where does a ship go when it's sick? A. To the dock. Q. The Prime Minister is on a sinking cruise ship. Who gets saved? A. The nation. Q. What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? A. About half-way. Q. Why is a sailor like the letter "D"? A. Because he follows the C. Q. What happened to the crew when the red boat and the blue boat collided? A. They were marooned! Q. Did you hear about the ship with a cargo of yo-yos? A. It sank 1,442 times Last year I took my wife on a world cruise.This year she wants to go somewhere else! I joined the Navy to see the world - and spent two years in a submarine A girl at the pool was wearing a swimsuitthat looked like it hadn't been delivered yet! The coffee they serve on board is a special blend - of yesterday's and today's. The ship's comedian had them rolling in the aisles - towards the exits. Placard outside the ship's theatre: "Terrific show - miss it if you can!" We visited a beach on St Thomas that was so exclusive, even the tide couldn't get in! Short But Sweet Hand-written sign on bridge of ship: Absolutely no sailing past nudist beach 9.7 miles SSW on a true course of 177 degrees. Fisherman 1: I was just down at the harbour and saw two people sitting in a little boat hitting each other with the oars. It was the strangest sight. Fisherman 2: Yes, it's a pity. You see that sort of thing more and more nowadays - rowed rage. From a cruise ship, all the passengers could see a bearded man on a small island who was shouting and desperately waving his hands at them. Who is it? a passenger asked the captain. The captain replied, I really have no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts. On our ship's excursion to the pyramids we met some traders with camels. Bedouins? Bedouins, goodouins, all sorts really. Two young sailors went to sea for the first time and as they left port and saw the wide expanse of the ocean before them, one said to the other: Did you ever see so much water in your whole life? The other sailor replied, No, and we're only looking at the top of it! The cruise director fell down the stairs leading to the promenade deck. The ship's doctor saw him fall and rushed to help. Are you all right? Did you miss a step? asked the doctor. The cruise director replied, No, I'm pretty sure I hit them all! A toddler slipped and fell overboard from a cruise liner. A man hurled himself over the rail and saved the child from drowning.Back on board, the Captain thanked the hero profusely, saying You have saved a life today - a truly heroic deed. Is there anything we can do for you to thank you? The man replied, You can find out who pushed me! As the storm raged, the Captain realised that his ship was sinking fast. He called out Does anyone here know how to pray? One man stepped forward. Aye, Captain, I know how to pray. Good said the Captain, you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short. Did you hear the one about the cargo ship full of whisky which ran aground off the south coast?Yes, apparently no tern was left unstoned in the aftermath. Captain of Eternal Youth A tourist watched from the harbourside as a grizzled old fishing boat captain skilfully docked his boat. Impressed that an elderly man could still be doing such a tough job, the tourist decided to wait until the Captain came ashore to have a word with him. When he did, the tourist complimented him on his strength and agility and asked "Captain, what's your secret to leading such a long and productive life?" "Well", he replied, "I would have to say that it's because I smoke five packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whiskey each week, eat fry-ups and never exercise." "That's amazing," said the tourist, "exactly how old are you?" The Captain answered, "Thirty-one." Ferry Story Roger enjoyed living on the Isle of Wight, but he wasn't overly enthusiastic about taking the ferry back and forth from the mainland. If he missed the last one of the evening, he'd have to spend the wee hours wandering the streets or bunk up with a mate. Late one night, Roger arrived at the dockside and spotted the ferry no more than twelve feet away from the dock. Deciding that he didn't want to wait for the next one, or worse yet until the morning, he made a running leap and landed on the ferry's deck on his hands and knees. As he got up, he announced proudly to another passenger "I made it!" "You certainly did," the other passenger replied, "but you should have waited a minute or two. We're about to dock." Penny Pincher Penny was a hard-working, conscientious girl who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on a world cruise. So she scrimped and saved and saved until finally, one day she could afford to go on her world cruise. She booked a first-class suite and her cruise started off in the grandest fashion, with dancing and parties until late every night. But, as Penny was a cautious girl, she never drank and simply danced the night away. One night, after being at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her suite along the promenade deck when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, just at that moment, the ship suddenly rolled to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. The alarm was immediately raised and after about five minutes Penny was hauled from the sea. Alas, the ship's crew realised it was too late for poor Penny - she was dead. In those days, it was usual procedure to perform burials at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated and kept in a jar on her parents' fireplace mantelpiece. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned. Grizzly Quiz A grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young cadet. "What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?" "I'd throw out an anchor, sir." "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "I'd throw out another anchor, sir." "But what if a third storm sprang up forward?" "I'd throw out another anchor, captain." "Just a minute, son. Where are you getting all these anchors?" "From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir." Magician and the Parrot A famed magician was performing on a cruise ship and every night he thrilled his audiences. One night, while he was performing the highlight of his show, a parrot walked onstage and squawked, "It's in his sleeve!". The magician chased the bird away. The next night, the magician was again performing the highlight of his show when the parrot walked onstage and cawed "It's in his pocket!" The next night, as he was performing the very same trick, the magician saw the parrot in the audience and cringed. But before the parrot could ruin the trick yet again, the ship ran aground and sunk. The magician was lucky enough to find a deck chair to hang on to. The parrot clung to the other end. They floated in the ocean, awaiting rescue, for three full days, glaring at each other but neither saying a word, when suddenly the parrot said, "I give up, what did you do with the ship?" All Aboard! A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon the ship had left port and was steaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency had been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not at all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, 'My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules of the sea - make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way." Burial At Sea An elderly fisherman was on his deathbed and summoned his three sons to his bedside. "Well, sons, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local paper's front page read, "Local fishermen were shocked today when their nets brought in Ross Trevenna's body in a coffin, three shovels and the bodies of his three sons." Captain Red Shirt A ship's captain always asked for his red shirt when he sighted a pirate vessel, and he always won in battle against them. His first mate asked him why he always wore the red shirt and the captain replied, "Because if I get wounded, the ship's company won't see the blood and you'll keep on fighting." The next day a whole fleet of pirate ships approached, poised to attack, and the first mate said, "Give me my brown trousers!" All You Can Eat Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on board. A little while later, they came upon another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsized the ship and ate everything. Along came another ship which was (surprise!) also hauling potatoes and Bob yet again capsized it and ate everything on board. Finally, his buddy Bill the sea monster, asked him "Why do you keep tipping over these ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start - everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship." Blondie Takes A Cruise A blonde student was looking at a bulletin board and saw a piece of paper that said "Cruise only £5.00". She made a note of the details, went to the address listed on the notice, walked into the reception area and asked the secretary about the cruise offer. The secretary nodded and asked if she had the £5.00. The blonde pulled a fiver out of her handbag and handed it to the secretary, who then looked over to a burly guy reading a newspaper and gave him the nod. He stood up and knocked the blonde over the head, rendering her unconscious. When the blonde woke up, she found herself tied to a log floating down a river. She began to think this had not been such a good idea when she saw one of her friends (also blonde) tied to a log floating along right next to her, and asked "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this cruise?" The other blonde replied, "They didn't serve anything last year." Canada Calling..... The following is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a Royal Navy ship and the Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland: Canada: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Royal Navy: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision. Canada: Negative, you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. Royal Navy: This is the Captain of a Royal Navy ship. I say again, divert your course. Canada: No, I say again, you must divert your course. Royal Navy: This is HMS **k R***l of Her Majesty's fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees to the north. I say again, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canada: This is a lighthouse. Your call. The Black Box Once upon a time, there was a captain of a cruise ship, and once a day, at the same time every day, he would lock himself in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this every day, but told no one what was inside the box. Then, one day he died and in his will he gave the crew permission to open the box. They opened it, and found a piece of paper: "Starboard is right, port is left." Royal Navy versus Royal Marines A ship loaded with Royal Marines was sailing along one day when it came upon an island where a Royal Navy sailor was lounging under a tree. The sailor saw the ship and began taunting the Marines, saying that he could "take them all on one-handed!" The Marine captain was angry at this, and sent one of his fittest men over to teach the sailor a lesson. In front of all his shipmates, the sailor quickly bested the Marine, knocking him out cold. He then looked over at the rest of the Marines, and yelled that he could take them all on. The Marine captain, now really steamed, sent over twenty of his best men to take care of the sailor. The sailor saw them coming and quickly jumped over the other side of a hill with the Marines in hot pursuit. A loud ruckus ensued and one Marine, badly beaten, came back over the hill and gasped, "Sir, it's a trap - there are TWO of them!" Hooky the Pirate A sailor and a pirate walked into a bar. They sat down next to each other, got to talking and the conversation soon turned to their sea adventures. The sailor told of his days fighting wars with the Navy, and the pirate told of his exploits plundering ships. The sailor noticed that the pirate had an eye patch, a hook and a peg leg and asked "How did you get the peg leg?" The pirate replied, "Once, when I was thrown off a ship, I floated in the sea for three days until my crewmates rescued me, and while I was in the water, my leg was bitten off by a shark." The sailor, impressed, said "Holy Neptune! That's very exciting, but what about the hook?" The pirate smiled proudly, buffing up the hook a bit. "When I was sword fighting with another pirate over buried treasure, he took my hand right off." The sailor's eyes were wide with wonder at what a buccaneer this pirate was, and asked, "How did you get the eye patch?" "Well," said the pirate, shifting uncomfortably in his seat and glancing away "a seagull dropped a bomb in my eye." The sailor looked puzzled: "You lost an eye from gull droppings?" The pirate sighed and shook his head. "It was my first day with the hook." Castaway Computer Consultant An ambitious IT consultant finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, .at least for awhile. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost in a matter of minutes. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Accustomed to four-star hotels, this chap had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple." replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from branches, I wove the bottom from palms, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink? "No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continuing amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing!" he mused, "what next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean...?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
One (Cruise) Liners Q. Where does a ship go when it's sick? A. To the dock. Q. The Prime Minister is on a sinking cruise ship. Who gets saved? A. The nation. Q. What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? A. About half-way. Q. Why is a sailor like the letter "D"? A. Because he follows the C. Q. What happened to the crew when the red boat and the blue boat collided? A. They were marooned! Q. Did you hear about the ship with a cargo of yo-yos? A. It sank 1,442 times Last year I took my wife on a world cruise.This year she wants to go somewhere else! I joined the Navy to see the world - and spent two years in a submarine A girl at the pool was wearing a swimsuitthat looked like it hadn't been delivered yet! The coffee they serve on board is a special blend - of yesterday's and today's. The ship's comedian had them rolling in the aisles - towards the exits. Placard outside the ship's theatre: "Terrific show - miss it if you can!" We visited a beach on St Thomas that was so exclusive, even the tide couldn't get in! Short But Sweet Hand-written sign on bridge of ship: Absolutely no sailing past nudist beach 9.7 miles SSW on a true course of 177 degrees. Fisherman 1: I was just down at the harbour and saw two people sitting in a little boat hitting each other with the oars. It was the strangest sight. Fisherman 2: Yes, it's a pity. You see that sort of thing more and more nowadays - rowed rage. From a cruise ship, all the passengers could see a bearded man on a small island who was shouting and desperately waving his hands at them. Who is it? a passenger asked the captain. The captain replied, I really have no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts. On our ship's excursion to the pyramids we met some traders with camels. Bedouins? Bedouins, goodouins, all sorts really. Two young sailors went to sea for the first time and as they left port and saw the wide expanse of the ocean before them, one said to the other: Did you ever see so much water in your whole life? The other sailor replied, No, and we're only looking at the top of it! The cruise director fell down the stairs leading to the promenade deck. The ship's doctor saw him fall and rushed to help. Are you all right? Did you miss a step? asked the doctor. The cruise director replied, No, I'm pretty sure I hit them all! A toddler slipped and fell overboard from a cruise liner. A man hurled himself over the rail and saved the child from drowning.Back on board, the Captain thanked the hero profusely, saying You have saved a life today - a truly heroic deed. Is there anything we can do for you to thank you? The man replied, You can find out who pushed me! As the storm raged, the Captain realised that his ship was sinking fast. He called out Does anyone here know how to pray? One man stepped forward. Aye, Captain, I know how to pray. Good said the Captain, you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short. Did you hear the one about the cargo ship full of whisky which ran aground off the south coast?Yes, apparently no tern was left unstoned in the aftermath. Captain of Eternal Youth A tourist watched from the harbourside as a grizzled old fishing boat captain skilfully docked his boat. Impressed that an elderly man could still be doing such a tough job, the tourist decided to wait until the Captain came ashore to have a word with him. When he did, the tourist complimented him on his strength and agility and asked "Captain, what's your secret to leading such a long and productive life?" "Well", he replied, "I would have to say that it's because I smoke five packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whiskey each week, eat fry-ups and never exercise." "That's amazing," said the tourist, "exactly how old are you?" The Captain answered, "Thirty-one." Ferry Story Roger enjoyed living on the Isle of Wight, but he wasn't overly enthusiastic about taking the ferry back and forth from the mainland. If he missed the last one of the evening, he'd have to spend the wee hours wandering the streets or bunk up with a mate. Late one night, Roger arrived at the dockside and spotted the ferry no more than twelve feet away from the dock. Deciding that he didn't want to wait for the next one, or worse yet until the morning, he made a running leap and landed on the ferry's deck on his hands and knees. As he got up, he announced proudly to another passenger "I made it!" "You certainly did," the other passenger replied, "but you should have waited a minute or two. We're about to dock." Penny Pincher Penny was a hard-working, conscientious girl who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on a world cruise. So she scrimped and saved and saved until finally, one day she could afford to go on her world cruise. She booked a first-class suite and her cruise started off in the grandest fashion, with dancing and parties until late every night. But, as Penny was a cautious girl, she never drank and simply danced the night away. One night, after being at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her suite along the promenade deck when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, just at that moment, the ship suddenly rolled to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. The alarm was immediately raised and after about five minutes Penny was hauled from the sea. Alas, the ship's crew realised it was too late for poor Penny - she was dead. In those days, it was usual procedure to perform burials at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated and kept in a jar on her parents' fireplace mantelpiece. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned. Grizzly Quiz A grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young cadet. "What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?" "I'd throw out an anchor, sir." "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "I'd throw out another anchor, sir." "But what if a third storm sprang up forward?" "I'd throw out another anchor, captain." "Just a minute, son. Where are you getting all these anchors?" "From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir." Magician and the Parrot A famed magician was performing on a cruise ship and every night he thrilled his audiences. One night, while he was performing the highlight of his show, a parrot walked onstage and squawked, "It's in his sleeve!". The magician chased the bird away. The next night, the magician was again performing the highlight of his show when the parrot walked onstage and cawed "It's in his pocket!" The next night, as he was performing the very same trick, the magician saw the parrot in the audience and cringed. But before the parrot could ruin the trick yet again, the ship ran aground and sunk. The magician was lucky enough to find a deck chair to hang on to. The parrot clung to the other end. They floated in the ocean, awaiting rescue, for three full days, glaring at each other but neither saying a word, when suddenly the parrot said, "I give up, what did you do with the ship?" All Aboard! A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon the ship had left port and was steaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency had been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not at all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, 'My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules of the sea - make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way." Burial At Sea An elderly fisherman was on his deathbed and summoned his three sons to his bedside. "Well, sons, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local paper's front page read, "Local fishermen were shocked today when their nets brought in Ross Trevenna's body in a coffin, three shovels and the bodies of his three sons." Captain Red Shirt A ship's captain always asked for his red shirt when he sighted a pirate vessel, and he always won in battle against them. His first mate asked him why he always wore the red shirt and the captain replied, "Because if I get wounded, the ship's company won't see the blood and you'll keep on fighting." The next day a whole fleet of pirate ships approached, poised to attack, and the first mate said, "Give me my brown trousers!" All You Can Eat Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on board. A little while later, they came upon another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsized the ship and ate everything. Along came another ship which was (surprise!) also hauling potatoes and Bob yet again capsized it and ate everything on board. Finally, his buddy Bill the sea monster, asked him "Why do you keep tipping over these ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start - everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship." Blondie Takes A Cruise A blonde student was looking at a bulletin board and saw a piece of paper that said "Cruise only £5.00". She made a note of the details, went to the address listed on the notice, walked into the reception area and asked the secretary about the cruise offer. The secretary nodded and asked if she had the £5.00. The blonde pulled a fiver out of her handbag and handed it to the secretary, who then looked over to a burly guy reading a newspaper and gave him the nod. He stood up and knocked the blonde over the head, rendering her unconscious. When the blonde woke up, she found herself tied to a log floating down a river. She began to think this had not been such a good idea when she saw one of her friends (also blonde) tied to a log floating along right next to her, and asked "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this cruise?" The other blonde replied, "They didn't serve anything last year." Canada Calling..... The following is a transcript of an actual radio conversation between a Royal Navy ship and the Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland: Canada: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Royal Navy: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision. Canada: Negative, you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. Royal Navy: This is the Captain of a Royal Navy ship. I say again, divert your course. Canada: No, I say again, you must divert your course. Royal Navy: This is HMS **k R***l of Her Majesty's fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees to the north. I say again, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship. Canada: This is a lighthouse. Your call. The Black Box Once upon a time, there was a captain of a cruise ship, and once a day, at the same time every day, he would lock himself in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this every day, but told no one what was inside the box. Then, one day he died and in his will he gave the crew permission to open the box. They opened it, and found a piece of paper: "Starboard is right, port is left." Royal Navy versus Royal Marines A ship loaded with Royal Marines was sailing along one day when it came upon an island where a Royal Navy sailor was lounging under a tree. The sailor saw the ship and began taunting the Marines, saying that he could "take them all on one-handed!" The Marine captain was angry at this, and sent one of his fittest men over to teach the sailor a lesson. In front of all his shipmates, the sailor quickly bested the Marine, knocking him out cold. He then looked over at the rest of the Marines, and yelled that he could take them all on. The Marine captain, now really steamed, sent over twenty of his best men to take care of the sailor. The sailor saw them coming and quickly jumped over the other side of a hill with the Marines in hot pursuit. A loud ruckus ensued and one Marine, badly beaten, came back over the hill and gasped, "Sir, it's a trap - there are TWO of them!" Hooky the Pirate A sailor and a pirate walked into a bar. They sat down next to each other, got to talking and the conversation soon turned to their sea adventures. The sailor told of his days fighting wars with the Navy, and the pirate told of his exploits plundering ships. The sailor noticed that the pirate had an eye patch, a hook and a peg leg and asked "How did you get the peg leg?" The pirate replied, "Once, when I was thrown off a ship, I floated in the sea for three days until my crewmates rescued me, and while I was in the water, my leg was bitten off by a shark." The sailor, impressed, said "Holy Neptune! That's very exciting, but what about the hook?" The pirate smiled proudly, buffing up the hook a bit. "When I was sword fighting with another pirate over buried treasure, he took my hand right off." The sailor's eyes were wide with wonder at what a buccaneer this pirate was, and asked, "How did you get the eye patch?" "Well," said the pirate, shifting uncomfortably in his seat and glancing away "a seagull dropped a bomb in my eye." The sailor looked puzzled: "You lost an eye from gull droppings?" The pirate sighed and shook his head. "It was my first day with the hook." Castaway Computer Consultant An ambitious IT consultant finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, .at least for awhile. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost in a matter of minutes. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Accustomed to four-star hotels, this chap had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple." replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from branches, I wove the bottom from palms, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink? "No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continuing amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing!" he mused, "what next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean...?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
Q. The Prime Minister is on a sinking cruise ship. Who gets saved? A. The nation.
Q. What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? A. About half-way.
Q. Why is a sailor like the letter "D"? A. Because he follows the C.
Q. What happened to the crew when the red boat and the blue boat collided? A. They were marooned!
Q. Did you hear about the ship with a cargo of yo-yos? A. It sank 1,442 times
Last year I took my wife on a world cruise.This year she wants to go somewhere else!
I joined the Navy to see the world - and spent two years in a submarine
A girl at the pool was wearing a swimsuitthat looked like it hadn't been delivered yet!
The coffee they serve on board is a special blend - of yesterday's and today's.
The ship's comedian had them rolling in the aisles - towards the exits.
Placard outside the ship's theatre: "Terrific show - miss it if you can!"
We visited a beach on St Thomas that was so exclusive, even the tide couldn't get in!
Fisherman 1: I was just down at the harbour and saw two people sitting in a little boat hitting each other with the oars. It was the strangest sight. Fisherman 2: Yes, it's a pity. You see that sort of thing more and more nowadays - rowed rage.
From a cruise ship, all the passengers could see a bearded man on a small island who was shouting and desperately waving his hands at them. Who is it? a passenger asked the captain. The captain replied, I really have no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts.
On our ship's excursion to the pyramids we met some traders with camels. Bedouins? Bedouins, goodouins, all sorts really.
Two young sailors went to sea for the first time and as they left port and saw the wide expanse of the ocean before them, one said to the other: Did you ever see so much water in your whole life? The other sailor replied, No, and we're only looking at the top of it!
The cruise director fell down the stairs leading to the promenade deck. The ship's doctor saw him fall and rushed to help. Are you all right? Did you miss a step? asked the doctor. The cruise director replied, No, I'm pretty sure I hit them all!
A toddler slipped and fell overboard from a cruise liner. A man hurled himself over the rail and saved the child from drowning.Back on board, the Captain thanked the hero profusely, saying You have saved a life today - a truly heroic deed. Is there anything we can do for you to thank you? The man replied, You can find out who pushed me!
As the storm raged, the Captain realised that his ship was sinking fast. He called out Does anyone here know how to pray? One man stepped forward. Aye, Captain, I know how to pray. Good said the Captain, you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.
Did you hear the one about the cargo ship full of whisky which ran aground off the south coast?Yes, apparently no tern was left unstoned in the aftermath.
