My recent cruise was over Select Here... the sea, the beautiful sea fourteen days far too soon my spouse's dead body rated

I cruised with Select Here... my family a bad attitude Rodney and Del Boy loadsa money Paddington Bear

My ship was the Select Here... Pea Princess Costa Lot Inebriation Plummet Chicken of the Sea

I arrived at embarkation Select Here... right on time two days early with a tent and thermos bottle a few minutes after I held up the high street bank with trepidation after 36 hours and no sleep

I found my cabin Select Here... just where I left it to be bright and cheery with difficulty below where they stow the slaves and animals contained Judge Crater, Amelia Earhart, Lord Lucan and Red Rum

My cabin steward kept Select Here... my cabin neat and tidy disappearing the autograph-seekers at bay new forms of life under the bed bursting in on me in the shower with a camera

My cabin was big enough Select Here... for two; two gerbils to be precise for the annual convention of the Keith Harris and Orville Fan Club to hold 1/100th of Imelda Marcos' shoe collection for the cast of Riverdance to rehearse in to house the fairies who live at the bottom of my garden

At dinner, I ate Select Here... fine cuisine for my country off my fellow diners' plates my words in the stunning decor of the dining room

The captain, Select Here... Captain Birdseye Captain Stubing Captain Kirk Captain John Smith Captain Pugwash gave a speech at the cocktail party and told of his plans for Select Here... the fleet later that night with the ship's dancers bringing back flogging his ballet routine for the talent show world domination

The ship's pool was a mecca for Select Here... sun worshippers the appearance of towels on 200 sun loungers each day at 5.00 am waiters hawking drinks every screaming child on the ship mosquitoes

In the ports of call, I Select Here... went sightseeing ruined my credit rating swam made the rest of my family go couldn't find my way ashore

Once ashore, I Select Here... partied played Nude Twister bargained immersed myself in native culture enjoyed the local correction facilities with the locals

The cruise-line organised shore tours/excursions were Select Here... a fascinating introduction to local culture overpriced just my excuse for MORE SHOPPING slept through a mere distraction from my food consumption

One day, when the ship was cruising along in the middle of the ocean, I couldn't believe my eyes, I saw Select Here... a pod of dolphins Elvis waterskiing behind the ship an empty sun lounger a Dominos Pizza jet ski delivering to the ship Nessie!

Out on the open decks in the sunshine, I passed Select Here... the time of day talking with my shipmates out after drinking five pina coladas up the opportunity to take part in the shuffleboard tournament along the lunch buffet five, maybe six, times the parcel with wild abandon during poolside games

On Tropical Night, everyone let their Select Here... hair trousers dance teachers guard loved ones down under the stars.

I returned from my cruise with Select Here... beautiful memories sunburn out all my luggage indigestion the name of a good solicitor

On disembarkation morning, I found myself Select Here... wishing that the magic didn't have to end locked in the engine room disabling the Purser's public address system looking for the keys to the handcuffs penniless

As I stood on the pier after disembarkation and watched the ship as it sailed away, I Select Here... reflected on my cruise with fond memories said "I'll be back", shouldered my weapon and strode off with Arnie hoped nobody would find out about that night in the hot tub saw my five year-old waving to me from the promenade deck took a running jump and made it just as the gangway went up

Happy Cruising from Ship Happens!